So I am having surgery today. Supposed to be a routine out patient thing, with a possible over night depending on what they find inside me. Oh Joy! I am hoping this will be the answer to the problems I've been having. The ultrasound revealed masses.... 2 of them around my one remaining ovary, totaling in size about 8 cm. Not as big as my last one, which that doctor explained it as the size of a grapefruit which wrapped around my Fallopian tube and killed that ovary by strangulation. Like I said, oh joy! So when I started to have the same symptoms as last time, I wanted to make sure we got on it.... as much as you can when you have health insurance, then you DON'T have health insurance, then you HAVE it again. (long frustrating story) So these 2 masses definitely worry me, being that it appears they have my last remaining ovary surrounded like Santa Anna's army at the Alamo... and we know how that turned out.
Now there is a newly discovered mass in my uterus, that is almost 3 cm. I had an ultrasound in May, the mass was not there. Had an ultrasound in July.... mass is there. So one would go for the obvious, the possibility of being pregnant. But remember, my ovary is surrounded by a 8 cm army of cystic tissue creating a secure offensive front, and my ovary is the size of a small almond.... the odds weren't good. However, the doctor felt we needed to run more tests to make SURE I wasn't pregnant.... like peeing on a stick, then a blood test. I explained to the doctor I know for certain I am not pregnant, because certain activities must occur for that to happen and in my current condition.... well..... But no, we had to do more tests. So now that I am officially "Pregnant Negative" (like I knew I was) what the heck is this thing in my uterus? This is what may cause my overnight visit, I am certain.
I have had some long deep thoughts about this surgery the possible outcomes that may happen. Here it goes:
1. The Best of the Best Outcome: The ovarian and uterine masses are removed and all is well
This is the ideal outcome. Keeping my ovary, the God given hormones I was created with and the possibility of reproduction if I ever wanted to. We ride off into the sunset and everyone is happy.
2. Quasi Best of the Best Outcome: Hysterectomy.
This I can cope with, however, would my loving husband? The early menopause, the hot flashes, etc. Would I regret not having children? Eh, I can live with that. But the adjustment from hormonal woman, to old lady worries me tremendously. I already had to adjust from 2 ovaries to 1 ovary and I know how hard THAT was on our marriage! Yikes! Dan is a trooper, but we must be prepared for this scenario.
3. Sucks, but Ok: Death.
Do I worry that I may die in the surgery? Sure, but death is something I can live with.... (would that be an oxymoron?) Would I miss friends, family, loved ones? Actually I wouldn't because the dead is conscience of nothing at all. (Ec 9:5) But I would worry that family and friends would miss me. I am sure I am such a glowing light of fun and excitement that they could never live without me. Not really, lol. But I know from my experiences with death is that it hurts. It hurts something awful, like your heart can't breath as it is, then a fat man comes along and decides to sit on your chest and laugh in your face. Well, maybe it's not the same for everyone, but that is how it is for me. I would not want anyone to feel like that, ever. But such is life - meaning, also, such is death. And I can think of worse things to put my family and friends through than death.
4. Worst of the Worst: Cancer.
I could think of absolutely nothing worse in the world to have to fight. Both of my husband's parents lost the battle to cancer in very, VERY, different ways. Dan and I were caregivers for both while they went through their fights (at the same time mind you), and it was hard. Sure it was tough driving his dad to chemo treatments to Detroit twice a week. Tough making sure he ate correctly, making sure he took his meds correctly, making sure he didn't blow up the house when he lit up his cigarettes while using his oxygen machine. It was even tough to watch 2 competent people become dependent on us even for the most simple things. ::sigh:: Believe it or not, that was the easy stuff.
Watching Dan's mother die after one chemo treatment was the worst. Watching this woman filled with life, filled with hope, filled with confidence because she had the 98% curable "good cancer," to watch this woman be poisoned by some doctor's over estimating the chemicals to put in her body, that was the worst. Watching her slowly die as one by one each organ system shut down in her body, watching her slowly suffer this death was agonizing for me. I can't even imagine how it must have felt for her children watching on, or her husband that couldn't bare to go to the hospital, or how it felt when her grandchildren came to visit and she could no longer speak to them. I can't image how it felt for Gabrielle and Gwyneth. Yes, this is worse than death. This is the worst of the worst - the slow and degrading pain of cancer. I could never put my husband though that again. It would hurt him too much to see that again, especially if I was the object of the cancer this time.
So deep breath here and let's bring this conversation back full circle and leave this segment on a happier note. Whatever happens today, I am ready for it. I may not be as brave as Davy Crockett going up against Santa Anna at the Alamo, I may not be so positive as he was, but Davy's outcome may certainly be mine today. Am I taking about my last ovary or death here? lol I'm not even sure anymore. But I am ok with either outcome. Is that a happier note? lol
I will leave this article expressing all my love. I love my family, I love my husband, Dan and especially love Gabrielle and Gwyneth. I love them no matter what. For if you don't love, what makes all this crap worth it?
Love Always,
Stacy
